From Then to Now

I have recently come out of a fog of sorts... My long journey with anxiety and depression took a lot of twists and turns over the past 10 years. During that time I did a lot of research online searching for any kind of help, advice, or guidance possible. I'm starting this blog now to help those that might just be starting on their journey. I'm hoping that my experiences might help someone else like the many blogs, chats, posts, and medical reports that I read over the past 10 years.

As some of you will understand, due to my mental status, my thoughts jump around quite a bit. I'm not a professional writer or journalist. I just want to share my story in the hopes that it will help someone else, so I apologize if it sounds jumbled at times.

My story started 10 years ago, when I was 32 years old, and it began with digestive issues (surprising, right?!). I went to the doctor because my stomach was always hurting. During the appointment I was asked about my mental health, questions that I'd never considered to be linked to stomach aches. I was raised before mental health was a mainstream conversation like it is now. After some self reflection and at the recommendation of my NP, I decided to try Zoloft. It helped the stomach pain immensely and I was so relieved. Unfortunately after a few weeks I started with sexual side effects... there are a lot of them, so be open with your doctor if anything seems off. My doctor added Wellbutrin to off-set the side effects and it worked like a charm.

So, that is how it started but I want to fast forward a bit to my current situation, because I think it's very important and relevant in the world today. The most recent medications I was taking were Pristiq and venlafaxine (not together; started with Pristiq and then moved to venlafaxine). The pristiq seemed great for a few months on the smallest dose possible but my body adjusted pretty quickly and the anxiety and stomach issues came back. In the beginning I was much less anxious and therefore my stomach was feeling great. I was relieved to be able to relax again, I no longer felt the tightness in my chest and shoulders constantly... it was almost like being high all the time! The downside was that I got addicted to that feeling and looking back I was pretty numb, unmotivated and lazy. Things that I would normally get excited about I was just like "that's cool" and the same for things I'd usually get stressed about. However, I'd been so anxious for so long that I loved being relaxed and as soon as the anxiety started to come back I thought I needed to up the dose. I tried the higher dose and it was awful! It started with mild headaches and continued to get worse over about a 5 to 7 day window (it's kind of a blur) before I knew my body was not adjusting and the side effects were worsening, instead of getting better. I had horrible headaches and my brain was very foggy. My thoughts were slow, and my vision was blurry at times. That was when my NP switched me to a different dose of a similar medication, Venlafaxine.

Venlafaxine was definitely not right for me. I had no energy, my brain was still foggy and slow but the headaches were gone. I didn't like the way I felt... it's hard to describe but it was like being relaxed and uncomfortable at the same time. Strange, I know! My NP suggested I give it a full month to try to let my body get used to it, so I did. By the 3rd week I couldn't do it. I was way too slow (mentally) and emotionally shut down, I was nowhere near myself, I couldn't even recognize myself. One night I had 1 beer, I woke up the next day and felt like I'd drank an entire case; I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache. I told my NP that I couldn't do it anymore and began the weaning process... this is the worst part!!

If I would have known how hard it was going to be to get off this medication, I never would have started taking it!! A few hours after the first dose I skipped I became very dizzy... the "I have to sit down before you fall" kind of dizzy! I also had headaches and was very nauseous. I tried to make it through a few hours by chugging water and resting but I couldn't do it so I had to take a dose. I felt like a junky that needed a fix and I hated it. Over the next week I did the same type of thing, waited as long as I could, until the withdrawal symptoms were too intense before I took some of the medication. After a few days I cut open the capsule and would take little pinches of the medication so that I didn't have to take the full dose. Every afternoon I would get dizzy, headaches and nausea. After a couple weeks I decided the withdrawals were tolerable so I stopped taking the medication all together (at that point I was taking a small pinch of it, out of the capsule, once every few days). After it had been 2 weeks since I took any of the Venlafaxine I still had bouts of dizziness and nausea. It was getting better! It's still just about every day but it's not as intense and doesn't last as long (the dizziness, that is).

It has now been a month and I still don't feel 100%. I feel like (in my personal opinion) the medication permanently chemically altered my brain function and that scares me. Now when I start to get stressed out or anxious, I get this strange warm feeling in the back of my head and start to feel dizzy immediately and sometimes my sight gets a little blurry for a few seconds. I've been using CBD oil and it's helping to take the edge off, but I'm really worried that the medications have caused long term damage to my brain.

I've taken a few different mental health medications in the past; Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Trintellix and Lexapro - the difference was that those were SSRIs and the new meds were SNRIs... I learned the hard way that SNRIs are not right for me. I had no trouble with the SSRIs and they were very easy to go on and off of when I was having a tough time in life. I will never again take an SNRI! Do your research!! I know that my NP had my best interest in mind but honestly, had I known how hard it would be to get off SNRIs, I never would have taken them!!! Click Here to read an article I found that has some good information in it on this topic.

That brings me to now... my anxiety is back but after the experience with the SNRIs, I'm determined to find a new way to handle it without the harsh mind-altering drugs. There are so many things that I overlooked when deciding how to deal with my mental health, and now I'm hoping I can help you to not make the same mistake. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to talk anyone out of ever taking medication for their mental health, it did help me at times, but it's a difficult road; finding one that works right for you can take a lot of time (it's all trial and error), money and a toll on your physical health, in the pursuit of better mental health. My suggestion is to exhaust all other alternatives first!! I was quick to jump on it because it was an easy fix... that's the world we live in today, right?! Why do the hard work when I can just take a pill to feel better... because in the end you'll end up having to do the hard work anyway - putting it off only compounds it! 

So here are my suggestions for before you decide to take any type of mind-altering medication;

1. Get some fresh air!! Actually, get a lot of fresh air! Our bodies weren't made to be inside all the time! If it's cold, bundle up! If it's rainy, dance in the rain or get an umbrella! Sit and listen to nature, or your favorite music or podcast, and just breathe! It will do wonders for your mental health, I promise!!! Click Here for one article I like in regards to this topic, but if you google it you'll find an unlimited supply of studies and stories to back this up!

2. Try some vitamins, natural or herbal remedies! CBD oil has been proven to do wonders for your body!! They are less expensive than prescription medications and have no lasting side effects. Click Here for more information on using CBD oil to help with anxiety and depression!

3. Talk to someone! Personal connection is good for the soul! Click Here for an article from Medical News Today about how meaningful conversations are good for your mental health!

4. Eat healthy... I know, I love chips, cookies, candy and fast food more than any one person should, but it is not good for your body in large quantities. I'm not saying don't eat it... I'm saying eat the veggies first, and then enjoy a little bit of your favorite indulgences! Click Here for an article from Harvard Medical School about fueling your brain!

5. Be confidently you!!! This is a big one because I think this causes more underlying issues than most people realize... Be confident and happy with who you are and who God made you to be! Social media can cause you to think negatively and compare yourself and your life to others without even realizing it. Don't let the concerns of how you look or seem to other people, make you feel like you need to change. Be confidently you!!! I think there's so much pressure these days to have it all together that we feel flawed when we don't, and that's so far from the truth. Not having it all together is being real, not flawed!! Click Here for a great article on this topic!!

-Skye

disclaimer: These links are purely to share what I personally believe in. I am not a medical professional, I'm only speaking from personal experience. As always, you should consult a medical professional before trying any new substance, prescription or over the counter.